Today he walks into the unknown. We talked for hours yesterday about many different things. We mostly talked about what lies ahead. Unfortunately, that is the unknown.
Here is what we decided that we do know. We know that things will never be the same. A beast has been unleashed. Buildings have been burned, words have been said and lines in the sand have been drawn.
I am so grateful that Matt was able to go fishing with our boys for hours on end this weekend. He could be on the lake, take in the fresh air, and listen to the loons. I could see him trying to embrace it, but it was evident that he is struggling to relax.
His body is tense. He does not smile, and he moves about almost jittery and scattered. He seems to be having difficulty keeping all his thoughts straight in his mind. He went from struggling with outward demons those last two weeks, to ones that have moved inside.
I asked him what he will be doing when he returns today and he said he is unsure. There have been discussions, but what he does know is that things will be completely different. This is a guarantee in his mind. I must say I cannot argue with that.
Matt gets to walk into a job that he fears nobody wants him at anymore. This must be so hard. He sees it not only in our community, but everywhere. There are calls that the police are the perpetrators of racism. Systematically they are at fault. This is such a complete load of crap. I want to scream from the rooftops and shake anyone who is crying this! I cannot believe people buy into this. Seriously!
I will argue that this is the lazy way out people. Saying that a system of policing is responsible for racism in our country is a big bunch of bologna. I would say that police officers are probably the most mindful people of treating all they encounter with dignity and respect. I know these men and women personally. I have seen them on and off the job, and I guarantee that this is not a system problem. That is a cop out, for lack of a better term, and will get you, if you are a person with power who is saying it, right on TV.
Police men and women see people at their most vulnerable. They see them when they are hurt, sad, injured, vulnerable and even dying. They run into places that most run out of. They leave their families to go help other families. They comfort, they hug, they listen and they rescue. They train well and they are prepared. What the media is telling you, is that they have an underlying system of racism that permeates their souls. They are secretly racists and must be stopped. Give me a damn break!!!
We are living in an age of political correctness that plays out live. We have social media and tv and constant breaking news. These things combined are eating away at the reality of what is really happening. They taint our images and think for us. They pit us against our friends, our family members and our neighbors. Morality is what our problem is people! It is completely lacking in our society. They know this and they will not admit this people! They aim to divide.
Matt is hesitant today because he knows that the noise has died and that the tv crews have left. The distractions have faded away, and what is left is a shell of a job that he once knew inside and out. I fear that he has lost his place in this neighborhood that he aims to protect. I know he is uneasy and I wish I could take it away.
He is drawn to go back today. I know he is anxious and scared. He is big and tough and can handle himself, but I am not worried about that. I am worried that the parts of my husband that this city and the media have chipped away over the last couple of weeks, are things we will never get back.
I will say a prayer today, as I always do, that God guides his great work and gives him strength. I pray those whom we have given power search hard in their souls, and find their way. I pray for those left to pick up the pieces of these communities that they find their strength and peace. I pray to God that we can all walk TOGETHER into the unknown.
“For we walk by faith, not by sight.” – 2 Corinthians 5:7