Much has changed in the last few months. The world looks different. It is more abrupt. It is hostile, angry and judging. It is impulsive, menacing and changed.
I write about what I know. I speak from my heart and this is what my instinct tells me to do. I know at times what I say makes people feel uncomfortable or angry. I do not intend to hurt. I intend to inform. Change is hard for everyone. I understand this. I am just trying to help many make sense of it with my perspective.
In my world, the change has come in a couple of different ways. Before the school year ended, I chose to take a different position, with a different school. I am walking away from a 10 year relationship. I was being forced in a different direction. I no longer fit in to a system that was changed. I understand that compromise is expected, but there is a limit to what I will change. I resist the fundamental changes I was being asked to make. I will always follow my heart, even though the cost may be great. I will take my talents elsewhere, where I am to be appreciated. I will honor my vocation, just not at a personal cost to my values. I am grateful for the experience and relationships I will carry with me. I will learn from the mistakes that have been witnessed.
Matt will also be making a change. This is not a voluntary change in reality. This is being forced at every angle. He would love to stay and continue the work he knows to be important, but it is just becoming too much of a personal sacrifice to make. Those who have not already left, are being stacked with a burden of immeasurable weight. There are so many distractions that the ultimate goal of returning home safely to his family, is coming into question each and every day.
Imagine for a moment, that you are asked to compromise who you are, in your heart, to do your job. Many would hide. Many would pretend to be something they are not. Many would remain silent and continue on with their work. That is their choice. I know many people that are doing this. I know this must be hard. Matt and I both feel very strongly that this is not who we are. We cannot pretend, for this is immoral and against our very nature. No job is worth the sacrifice of your personal values. It is ultimately too heavy a burden to carry with you each day.
I am not writing this for your pity. I am putting it to paper to express that I am grateful for the experiences we have had to date. I know that we are smart, hard-working people who have many talents to offer this world. I know that my new position will challenge, but be appreciated. I know that Matt will ultimately heal and find his way.
I would be lying if I said I was not angry at the circumstances. I have witnessed the worst in people. I have called out bad behavior to silent echoes. I have tried my best to illuminate damage and destruction to no avail. I have had my professional reputation slandered by those who are weak and incapable. I have seen the ugly side of my profession and am disappointed in many. I choose to take my talents elsewhere and realize that it is not me, it is them. It really is okay.
Change is hard, but sometimes better.
Matt has definitely seen what damage comes from words and actions of those who are weak and incapable. He is suffering a loss of a career that he cares about immensely. He is not willing to compromise what he knows to be true and important to fit a world of rhetoric and political agendas. He chooses his sanity and family over a career at this point. He is sacrificing financial security for those that he loves. I am proud of him for doing so. It is not the easy way out, as many are saying. It has long term financial ramifications. It is hard, but it is truly what matters in the end.
We are trying to lead by example for our own children. This is a time where they are witnessing us making hard choices for their benefit. They might not always understand, but we are trying to be open about why we are doing what matters for our family. They are lovely human beings so they are graceful and supportive of what we are doing and asking of them. Change does and will have consequences for them.
Ultimately, we will be redesigning our future. We will be making changes, but as the old adage says, change can be good. I look forward to the change that is yet to come. I pray for the wisdom to hold my head high, and live like He wants us to. I am grateful for the opportunity to change and the strength to move on.
I will be leaving some things behind, as I am going to need to do so. Please understand that this is the cost of asking me to compromise my values. This is something I am unwilling to do.
Change is just this. It is different. It is the unknown. It can be risky, but it can also be beautiful. I will anxiously wait to see what is to come.